The Beginning of a Federal Prison Journey

My journey with the federal justice system started on June 24, 2019. On that day, I was served a 21-count indictment for a crime I helped commit 5 years prior to the indictment. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that this indeed was a crime. I will go over the events after the indictment was served, the events as they unfolded and how I ended up in my current position.

Prior to the indictment, I was living what you would call the “American Dream”. I had a successful job; I was at the peak of my career; I had a loving relationship; I had a dream house, and an excellent group of friends. I thought I was living the best life possible.

Within a matter of 4 months I lost my wife, my career, my house and all my personal possessions. I lost all my money. I literally was homeless. Keep in mind, once your indicted with the federal system, your assets will be seized; any savings, or anything of value, will be taken. 

Thank God I was homeless only for brief period of time. A good friend of mine let me sleep in his spare bedroom / storage room. I was given a bed with cardboard boxes around me. As dire as that sounds, it was not rock bottom. Rock bottom would come soon enough.

I still remember the day, when I hit rock bottom. I had been living in the spare storage room for about a month, as my probation would not allow me to move back home with my family. I was literally more than 1,000 miles away from my closest relative. I had no source of income, and made do on few dollars per day. I still had a few hundred dollars left in my checking account.

In retrospect, I was massively depressed, and abusing alcohol significantly (about a bottle of vodka per day). I was heartbroken and physically ill. Just about everything that could go wrong with me was wrong. 

I woke up at my usual 11 a.m., hungover, feeling dejected, thoughts of darkness consuming me. That had become my daily status quo. I went out to get some lunch. I use that word very loosely as there was no nutritional value in what I was eating, it was essentially junk food. I still remember the cost of the meal, it was $7.65. The lady processing my order at the drive-through ran my card, but the card was declined. 

I pulled the car over and checked my online account balances. Whatever money I had left had been seized by the IRS. At that point, I literally had nothing. I drove away from the fast food restaurant and merged onto a highway. I noticed that the concrete embankments on either side of me. A directive came to my mind. The directive was to drive my car into the embankment and take my own life. I never felt so alone and helpless before. I’m not certain why I did not try to take my life that day. The 3 months after that day are a large blur. The best way I can describe that time period is a complete apathy towards life, with complete darkness and indifference towards hope.

A few months later, the judge allowed me to move back home. My vehicle had been repossessed so I rented a one-way car rental, to make the 18-hour car ride back to Maryland. I still remember the day I returned home. The first thing I did was stop off at a local liquor store and buy a bottle of vodka. I took a few swigs of it and pulled up in my parents driveway.

My family worried for me. I was not in a good place within myself. I was continuously anxious. I had trouble sleeping, and would get up in the afternoon. I was secretly abusing alcohol. I could not function. I remember days would pass by without me speaking to my parents. It was not because I didn’t want to; it was because I just could not.

Things got worse for me. In February of 2020, I received my PSR. My PSR had my sentence at a minimum of 9 years. The USSG scored my crime at 31 points. I immediately called my attorney and I asked him if I really going to be spending the next 10 years in prison. I will never forget his response. He said, “You’re looking at whatever is in the report.”

Before my sentencing even occurred, in a matter of 4 months, I completely transformed my life for the better. I lost 41 pounds, and I quit every single substance I was abusing. I gained the respect of my family and of my peers, and I built a new identity. A week before my sentencing hearing, I told my parents that the indictment was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

How did something so negative, become so positive? (I will soon share how one individual, Daniel Wise, helped me in this journey)

When you go through a federal indictment, the feeling of loneliness is extraordinary. Attorneys can be useful in certain tasks, but when it comes to really understanding what an individual goes through during a federal indictment, they are useless. Unless you’ve been through it yourself, you have no idea the about the pain an individual feels. 

There are very few online resources, or in print, that can objectively help someone in that position. There are certainly many charlatans and savvy salesmen. However, to find real objective data in this unique circumstance, is difficult.

I can tell you the exact date my journey began. On this date I decided that I would no longer be a victim, in my own pity. That date is February 14, 2020. On that day, I became tired of being held hostage by my mind. I decided I was going to study myself. Like I used to cure my patients, I realized I needed to cure my suffering. 

Before I could do this, I needed to educate myself about suffering. My suffering certainly was not unique. The more I studied about suffering, the more I realized that suffering is universal. However contentment through suffering is not universal. Through my research, I discovered a philosophy and a belief system that changed my life. One is Stoicism, and the other is Buddhism. 

I first discovered Buddhism, through Dr. Robert Wright. Through his work, I learned about the various modules of the human brain. Essentially, I learned why meditation works. More importantly, I understood the importance of having a strong prefrontal cortex, and importance of controlling my limbic system. Through meditation, I learned how to strengthen my prefrontal cortex and how to stop destructive modules in my thought processes. 

Through Stoicism, I started to understand the concept of a rational mind. When I say I studied this extensively, in a matter of 60 days I probably read 30 books… about a book every other day. I also learned about logo therapy, through Dr. Viktor Frankl. I was not nearly as interested in his life story, as I was interested in his psychoanalytic techniques. I used these techniques on my personal psyche. I studied the concept of submission in the Holy Quran, and Islamic philosophy. I learned the faults in my own behavior. Through Islam, I learned the concepts of gratitude and necessity. To put it simply, through self improvement I was able to persevere and achieve contentment. 

A few months later, I was standing in front of a federal judge. The judge gave me a sentence of 48-months. A sentence which was a 60% below guidelines. During my hearing, the judge had nothing negative to say. He stated that I was the most remorseful individual he had sentenced. He stated that I would become successful again and make my parents proud. It was as if the judge was comforting me. Was this a fluke? Was this just an aberration? Or was it something else?

I can tell you exactly what it was. It was character development. Whether I knew it or not at the time, over the last 6 months, I built a new life story. A story which I’d always dreamt of, but never really lived. I was no longer a walking contradiction. I allowed my mind to control my actions, and my environment. I realized the importance of my reaction to an adverse event. It was my perception that going to prison was an adverse event. When in reality, the obstacle of prison was an opportunity. An opportunity to rewrite my life story, one based on real values and structure. To form a life that does not depend on the capitalistic and materialistic models of modern society. As many people focus on the negative impact of being a felon, I only focus on the virtues of a felony conviction. No longer would I be constrained by the shackles of society. I embrace this new freedom. This experience is a privilege, not a burden. 

As a consequence of this personal development, I was able to achieve sentence mitigation. Sentence mitigation can only occur when there is true character change. Hence the importance of persevering and finding contentment. 

This is why chose to work with Dan Wise. Through Dan’s videos, I was able to see his character. His videos of him post-release in the halfway house depicted an individual who expressed virtuous goals, which fit within my value based structure. 

The only way to show remorse is to relay this genuine character change to a judge, and Dan was able to help me with that endeavor. Dan has a proven record of relaying to the judge your sincere remorse, along with techniques one can use to exemplify their new mindset and the new lifestyle they have created for themselves. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of realizing that once you have committed a crime, you are not the victim of the federal government, you are an individual who has created victims. If that is hard for you to accept, you need to work on your mindset. 

One cannot feel remorse without genuine character change. You have a very small window of opportunity to express your remorse during the pre-sentencing phase of your journey. You must change your mindset, crafting a new narrative for your life, and you must show remorse. Stop blaming the prosecutors or the FBI; look in the mirror and blame yourself. Do something to better your situation. Wallowing in self-pity is not moving you forward in a positive way. 

With Dan’s help, you can create a meaningful personal narrative. You must bring this personal narrative with you to your PSR interview. I followed Dan’s advice and was able to dictate my own story in my own pre-sentence report. By bringing my personal narrative, I think the probation officer really knew that I was taking this seriously, and even thanked me for the effort. I cannot think of any other way to show remorse to a probation officer, other than providing a personal narrative explaining it to him on the date of your pre-sentence interview. 

Secondly, I cannot express the importance of character reference letters. These letters do matter. If the judge does not know how you have changed, how is he supposed to show you mercy? Most of your loved ones do not understand this concept, and will downplay your accountability and remorse. Dan and his team can help your character reference letter writers understand the importance of not downplaying what you did wrong. Letters also need to show how you have changed as a person, and how you will never be in this circumstance again. That is the point of these letters, to show your remorse and to show how you have changed. It would be self-destructive to take this course of action independently.

I plan to write much more on this topic in the next coming months. I really hope to focus on writing during my incarceration. I want to share the breadth of information and knowledge I’ve gathered in the last few months. Dan has agreed to provide a platform for my writings on his website. Hopefully, through this, I can provide some value to individuals going through the federal justice system.

I would like to finish of this post by sharing a Stoic principle which really provides me with strength, “What stands in the way becomes the way!”

Until next time,